


Little Bit of Shelter.

by fearless_seas



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Apologies, Established Relationship, Fights, M/M, Memories, Showers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 23:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16073540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fearless_seas/pseuds/fearless_seas
Summary: Kimi didn't think telling Sebastian he was leaving Ferrari would make him so upset.





	Little Bit of Shelter.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoy reading!

          Kimi Raikkonen always thinks in the shower. He isn’t much for... thinking, or communication. The water runs over him and his mind drifts elsewhere. He doesn’t enjoy it: musing and pondering too deeply over things. So he should hate Sebastian for always being in his thoughts while there is nothing but his solitary musings to keep him company in the still, quiet minutes.

_“I am not going to be on Ferrari next year.”_

_“Pardon?”_

          Kimi tugs his shirt over his head in the small space of his hotel bathroom. The dim lighting sets all of his joints at ease. A short occasion of solitary calm, not the one of which grinds at his jaw during these race weekends. His eyes drifts softly to the mirror at his reflection staring back. His attention scampers over his own stomach, the definitions of muscle, across an arm and his pale neck… higher until there they are: two pale blue orbs twinkling back to him. He appears oddly tired and a swallow bobs in his throat but he can’t get himself to wish that he were anymore than flesh and bone. Apart from this, he has all but his dreams in this world.

_“I am not going to be on Ferrari next year.”_

_“You’re--You’re retiring?”_

          He steps away from the mirror and towards the shower, flicking on the tap and waiting for the cold water to erase itself. He likes it hot, so hot and boiling that his skin is raw and scarlet when he exits. But this reminds him of something as he strips: Sebastian’s voice in his head and that full grin, that one that pulls at his lips. There is an insurmountable amount of joy in him, isn’t there? Like a flame that never dies or the words of an aged book. Youth and everything that came with it. It brings a grin to his own face, these wanderings, and then there is something else: that drop. The fall of their lips make when it eventually hit him and the words colored him. The faint fairy lights behind his eyes vanished and the impression his face made without a simper was like a starry night without the stars.

_“No.”_

_“Then where are you going?”_

_“Sauber.”_

_“Are you… Are you positive?”_

          Kimi steps in and the water causes little waves of warmth to trickle across his spine. _Are you positive?_ His eyes blink open after the heat has fallen over all of his skin. A reply days late stammers on his tongue: _No, I’m not sure_. For perhaps the first time in his life, he has a million things he would love to say. A sigh drums through his chest and he moves on.

_“Yes.”_

_“Oh.”_

          He had lied then. A part of him attempts to remove himself from the conversation, from that memory and recollection. The bleached lighting draws shadows on the walls like little stories of their own. All we do, as beings, is think about the feelings that we hide; it is an oddly revealing thought, isn’t it? Instead, he remembers the first time they both met. A scrawny, blonde teenager with wide braces and a shy but awkward smile that seemed like morning sun. Kimi believes, that in the end, it was Sebastian’s disarming smile that caught him first more than anything else. More so than stupid, vague thoughts in the dark or a love for people that he cannot control. It is something so deep, concave and unexplored he is unable to understand it. Sebastian loves everything that he hates: emotions, love and positivity that the moon pales in comparison.

_“You aren’t talking a lot.”_

_“I--sorry.”_

_“Don’t apologize.”_

_“Sorry.”_

          He is too nice.

_“Are you going to say something?”_

_“I want to.”_

_“Then why don’t you?”_

_“Because I don’t like to be angry.”_

          For words, it seems.

_“Why would you be angry?”_

          God, he shakes his head now. He wonders how he didn’t catch Sebastian's inability to meet his eyes or how he had begun to tap his fingers against the tabletop.

_“Because--”_

_“I am not only around for you, you know that.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Then what is it?”_

_“I can’t.”_

_“Tell me.”_

          Kimi closes his eyes again, tries to get his mind to go blank. However, the last piece of the conversation sticks out sorely in his memory. He rubs his fingers wearily over his eyelids and a slow exhale drips from himself. The shower makes him tired but oddly alive. Sebastian's lips had pursed and quivered slightly into the afternoon air.

_“Because I don’t want you to leave.”_

_“Why?”_

_“It will… change things between us.”_

_“And?”_

          A hint of anger rises in Kimi’s blood, it surges through his veins like the blast of steam clouding his vision. “Stupid, stupid,” he mutters quietly and he cannot hear himself over the roar of the water. There, the teal tint of glow above the sink is sad and slow like Sebastian’s eyes. But there, he can image that the water on his back is the warmth of their skin against his. He peers over his shoulder for a moment even though he knows that nobody else is there. His forehead leans forward, dips against the cold tile and his breath creates little patterns on the walls. The best parts of his life have been the short, nameless moments with only smiles and eye contact to sustain him. Why hadn’t he realized that before? He can sense it: every part of him Sebastian has touched chiming and calling out like bruises under his skin. Hands that play him like a piano and the fingers to make a symphony of him.

          _“I have to leave.”_

Get up and stop him.

          _“Seb?”_

          Catch his arm, drag him back to the table.

          _“Sorry.”_

Tell him not to go, beg him to talk things over.

          _“Stop saying sorry.”_

But you don’t.

          He remained seated on that Thursday afternoon at the empty table, following the street cars flickering by with faces he will never see again. It gets to closing time and he thrusts a few crumpled bills on the top to cover the expenses of two coffees had four hours ago. But every face, that day, each and every countenance was Sebastian’s long face and wide eyes, because he deludes himself into believing they left by choice, that it is _their_ fault. A part of Kimi, a piece so very shallow, allows the guilt to line the core of who he is. Sebastian had paused at the door of the coffee shop as though he had something else to say. After a short moment the door closed behind him as though he and never even been there at all. He keeps hearing the bell above the door even after he is gone.

_Why didn’t you at least go with him?_

          And Kimi hasn’t spoken with him since that Thursday where everything appeared to collide.

_You could lose him because you are stubborn._

           Suddenly his throat tightens like a noose is moving across his throat. He doesn’t recognize it at first, but then he knows it: panic. Hands race to shut the shower off and he stumbles out, stammering about for his old clothing. It’s on the thought of loss, his motivation. He doesn’t bother to dry himself off as his wet hair clings to the back of his neck. The door slams behind him without a second word. Being alone is secretly a terrifying thing for any person. When Sebastian answers the door, it is four in the morning the night before the Italian Grand Prix and Kimi doesn’t recall he has pole-position in his pocket. They have a sleepy quality because they’ve just crawled out of bed and aren’t much for mornings.

          Sebastian blinks, his brows knitting together, “Kimi?” For a moment he forgets where he is. His hair is tousled and ruffled, his eyes squinted and dark. “What are you doing here?”, he inquires quietly but not in an effort to drive him away.  

          A pause. “Can I come in?”

          “Why?”

          “I want to talk to you.”

          Another lapse and Sebastian’s hand fiddles with the lock. The door opens and Kimi steps in. The sun hasn’t come up yet, a switch is flicked on and the room ignites. Sebastian steadies on the edge of the bed with his hands nervously shuffling about his lap. “Okay then,” he nods, “Talk to me.”

          The ceiling is high, his things are neat in a corner on top of his suitcase and he moves a lot in their sleep so that the two spots are unraveled on the bed. Maybe to pretend there was someone else there. Kimi sits on the other edge, a few meters away, observing the fibers of the carpet. “I didn’t mean what I said. Earlier. When I pretended I didn’t care,” he rubs a hand over his upper arm, “I do. I care. Probably a lot more than I should.”

          “I know.”

          Kimi looks to him, “And I’m sorry.”

          “I shouldn’t of reacted… like that,” but Sebastian manages a weak grin that lays below shy eyes.

          “It’s my fault.”

          “No, it’s mine.”

          “Stop, it is--”

          Sebastian cuts him with a kiss. Quickly met, long endured on breathless lips and fingertips across apologizing jaws. A yawn crawls up Kimi’s throat and he has to pull away. When he looks up again, Sebastian’s hand is on his thigh and his shoulder cradling his.

          “Tired?”, he chuckled, his voice is soft.

          “Maybe a little.”

          Sebastian crawls into bed, patting the empty side after he is under the duvet. “Why don’t you come to bed then?”, there is a cozy, homely sensation to him.

          So he does. Kimi wraps an arm over his waist, tugging him closer just the light goes off and the sun is just a bitter sliver on the horizon. His eyes begin to drift shut and Sebastian’s hair brushes up against the bottom of his chin. “It wasn’t my choice,” he mutters, “To leave the team.”

          “I know, Kimi,” he feels the sudden ray of his grin in how his spine shifts under the palm of his hand. “Go to sleep,” he murmurs.

          Life is unpredictable and there is a certain peace in silence because he had stopped, a long time ago, expecting things from it. Nothing had started with Sebastian, but it certainly seemed to end with him _and_ _you want him beside you for the rest of this_. Kimi’s breathing slows, nose burying into Seb's curls and everything goes dark.

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda trashy, ha. I hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment if you did, I read and respond to every single one. Tbh, you get content for free btw! Wouldn't kill you to comment :D I take requests! My Tumblr is @pieregasly


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